the base rate of alligators eating small children is small in Florida, but yesterday, your neighbor tells you her child was eaten by an alligator. Are you going to let your kids go out and play? HELL NO!!

Fantastic + Testical = FANTASTICAL

I wasn't a sumo groupie, but I did ask a couple of sumo wrestlers for their autographs.

Carbocations are like drunk men, they only want one thing and they don't care where they get it from. That one thing being electron density, of course...

No you didn’t see a UFO. No you didn’t… You wore too many tinfoil hats and that shit’s running to your head.

There are two ways to take this class. You can take it seriously, or you can take it next semester.

Anywhere you go, you can't swing a dead cat and not hit a journalism student.

I'll tell all of you visitors who just walked in what I told the others: sit near the door, because five minutes of this stuff [Thermodynamics] and you'll want to leave.

Scientists now believe that Nietzsche may have become insane because of an untreated case of syphilis contracted from a prostitute during his university years...so let that be a lesson to you all!

As usual, I was on drugs.

Spankin' the plastic - Women like that.

Russian beer gives new meaning to the word 'pisswater'

What are cats other than little murderers that look really cute?

in the next class we are going to watch paint dry...just to liven things up a bit.

We want you to be able to read the New York Times Science section and say, 'Wow, that is really crappy science writing.'

Think like I do ... it's really simple.

Will I know if you're cheating? Yes. I'm like Santa.

i can tell. you've read this before. you've smoked this before.

Does anybody know how to roll a joint?

Then my spelling goes to hell because I read all of your papers....

If this was a civilized country, like SPAIN, then your fingerprints would ALL be on file!

The definition of TONICIZATION-If you hit your head against the wall a few dozen times, then it starts to feel good.

I'll tell all of you visitors who just walked in what I told the others: sit near the door, because five minutes of this stuff [Thermodynamics] and you'll want to leave.
)

So we need a way to excite the pickle.

To quote Chris Rock, “What do you want? A cookie?

Most of the gas that's in farts is nitrogen.

She looks out at a kick-ass bay where people should be having picnics and shit!

(Very poetic stance on a very-poetic short story)

PERVERSE...I'm not talking about chains and chickens...

I'm kind of like a drug dealer. I give you a little taste now, then a few weeks later another taste, and finally you're hooked.

How hard would we have to throw Alec Baldwin from the surface of the earth to make sure he never comes back?

Could you please stop doing a line of coke in the back? It's very distracting.

I don't want to die in this room. I much prefer a yacht in the Mediterranean with Natalie Portman

I picked my nose up today

I would describe naked molerats as 'penises with teeth'...
-Dr. Pride (Ecology)

I'm often in this situation...in my underwear, in a fur coat

Get on a drum major's hands.

professor: You know if they raised tuition then we could fix this projector.
student: ...or we could decrease your salary...
professor: well someone doesn't want to pass.

...yea it was 70 students and it was only my second time teaching a class, but it ended up that nobody listened to me anyways, so it was kinda like talking to myself.

No, your study cannot be based on SPEED! What you do in your own time is none of my business though.

When you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Love is just an abscess of the brain that drains to the genitals

When I was in the navy we learned, this is my rifle, this is my gun, one is for killing, one is for fun...

The extreme form of sleepy and tired is dead.

“I promise that I will never change my name to L. Diddy, Esther, or Stat Daddy. So when you take your final exam, I’ll still just be Larry.”

Then you need the jawbone of an ass…which you won’t have trouble finding one around here. (about the ingredients for Star of Venus)

She was a bad-ass warrior hunter woman

They Morph! Arbitrary constants are like clouds, that's why we call them C!

This case concerned Nathaniel Hylton, no relation to Paris, although he was rumored to have made a video . . .

I am the year of the serpent. If I marry someone who is year of the rat, we will make a great match... because I can just swallow him.

You could do this ridiculously long equation, or you could just google it

I can't deny it, I did smoke a lot of weed in my time. But it was the worst mistake I ever made; it made me very hungry!

Studies show that fetuses prefer Mozart over the Rolling Stones. They also show that fetuses from across all cultures seem to enjoy the music of Boy George...

I don't care what you say about me in evaluations, I am tenured!

If one bull could service a whole...um...'thingy' of cows...

Always turn your cell phones off. Well, I guess if you're waiting for a heart transplant you can leave it on, but sit in the back.

Romans are like Gremlins. They can be cute, but don't let them get wet or they can be vicious.

...so this product would be a racemic carboxylic acid, and on Mondays I don't wear underwear. Haha - There! That got everybody focused!

I don't read the story of the three little pigs to my kids anymore because we live in a wooden house.

You don't need a brain to get an erection.

There are more Pedophiles than there are squirrels.

I think I am the only teacher who gets off on cell phone rings.

No horseplay or rollerskates in the lab

It's a Melrose Place kind of love.

Everclear rots your brain

(a student's phone rings in class) Tell them I'm not here.

I heard some chuckling when I said tests on P. We're not talking about urine analysis here!

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to accept beer from students...but, it's way better than an apple.

Beer helps things happen!

They live like the Amish, in tents. Except the Amish don't live in tents.

If I hear another phone, the owner is going to eat it.

When men get to my age, the prostate hardens and you just can't pee over a six foot fence anymore.

Any of you who have been down there for Stat help know it smells, so just walk in Middlebush and follow your nose.

It's gonna be like Mcdonalds in here. Statistics, Dah dah dah dah dah... I'm lovin' it

Typically landslides are in close proximity to the volcano, so they are not going to kill a lot of people. . . which is nice

Oh, I remember that... deadweight loss! Shazzam, shazzam!

The first step is.....Step one.

This is Zeus on a skateboard.

I just bought a new cookbook

I like bunnies.

I'm gonna pull out my trusty pocket periodic table...

Good morning everyone, and welcome to Advanced Calculus!

Are you gonna do any Beer bongs or keg stands?
No, I don't dance